Raising Self-Confident Teens: A Parent's Guide to Positive Communication

Written by the CultivaTeen Roots Team

8 minute read

As a caregiver to a teen, you are probably already aware of the fact that adolescence is marked by the highest of highs and lowest of lows. Teenagers experience a wide range of emotional, psychological, and physical changes during this transitional stage and are often more sensitive to feedback from others. A simple comment about the amount of time your teen spent studying for an upcoming test can be experienced by them as an attack on their commitment to school. Criticism can significantly impact a teen’s self-image and confidence; however, as parents, we know that providing input to our teens is an important part of our role. So what do we do? The key is in the delivery - understanding how to effectively communicate feedback to your teen will allow you to get your message across in a non-threatening way and support their development of positive self-esteem and confidence. Let’s dive in!

What is Self-Esteem?

The term self-esteem refers to how individuals view themselves, their abilities, and their self-worth. Healthy self-esteem is crucial during adolescence and can help teens do the following:

• Respond to challenges, stress, and setbacks with a positive mindset
• Develop resiliency in the face of disappointment
• Maintain strong social relationships with family and peers
• Thrive academically and engage in extracurricular activities
• Make independent and thoughtful decisions
• Problem solve when faced with complex situations 

Understanding How Parental Criticism Impacts Teen Self-Esteem

Research published in the Journal of Adolescence indicates that negative feedback, especially from authoritative figures like parents or teachers, can significantly lower a teen's sense of self-worth (Friedman et al., 2019). Here are some ways criticism can negatively impact your teen’s self-esteem:

• Internalized Negative Self-View: When teens receive harsh or frequent criticism, they may integrate this feedback into their sense of self and begin to believe what others are saying about them.  This can lead to feelings of worthlessness, causing teens to question their abilities, competence, and value. 

• Increased levels of anxiety, stress, and depression: Teens may begin to feel like they are not able to meet the expectations of others when they are regularly criticized. This can create stress around performance, leading to feelings of anxiety and depression  

• Strained Parent-Teen Relationships: Research indicates that a lack of positive reinforcement and supportive communication leads to strained parent-teen bonds, which can further exacerbate low self-esteem (Sheeber et al., 2013). Repeated criticism from a parent or caregiver can leave a teen feeling isolated, misunderstood, and hopeless.  
• Low Motivation and Engagement: Adolescence is a time of exploration, but when teens experience frequent criticism, they may be closed off from trying new things for fear of failure. This can make it difficult for teens to feel motivated, impacting their academic success, level of engagement in interests or hobbies, and peer relationships.

CultivaTeen Growth & Nurturing Potential: Tips for Providing Supportive, Constructive Feedback

How can you help your teen develop into a mature young adult who has a positive self-concept? By communicating feedback with intention, non-judgmental language, and a supportive tone. Here are some practical strategies you can use with your teen: 

• Lose the Labels: Labeling your teen with words like “lazy” or “irresponsible” can impact their self-confidence and prevent them from engaging in valuable learning experiences. Instead, we want to focus on the specific behavior or concern we are addressing and use non-judgemental communication. This strategy creates space for you and your teen to have productive conversations that encourage growth and action. For example, maybe your teen has been slacking on their college applications and you say something along the lines of, “You are so irresponsible. No college is going to want to accept you if you can’t even finish your applications without me constantly nagging you.” Instead of labeling your teen as irresponsible, you can focus on the behavior, which might be procrastination in this scenario, and say, “I noticed you haven’t been making time to finish your college applications. How can I help you get back on track?”    

• Model Positive Self Talk: Our children are always watching us, so let’s use this opportunity to model kindness towards ourselves. Research by the Journal of Early Adolescence shows that teens who observe positive self-talk from their parents develop healthier self-esteem (Seligman et al., 2011). So when you make a mistake, demonstrate self-compassion instead of beating yourself up. You could say “I wish I had handled that differently and I'm still learning. ” or “That was challenging and I’m proud of how I handled it.”  

• Try the "Sandwich" Approach: This approach reinforces positive behavior, while also clearly communicating constructive feedback. Start by sharing positive feedback about your teen’s behavior or efforts, then clearly introduce the constructive feedback, and finally close with another positive statement. This could look like, “I want you to know I have been noticing how you’ve been pulling your weight when it comes to walking the dog. This really shows how committed you are to making sure the dog is cared for. I need you to start being more on top of cleaning up after the dog when he goes to the bathroom. I know you think that’s my job, but it’s something we can all pitch in and do. You have become so much more responsible since the dog has joined our family and I know we can work together to figure this out.”   

• Clear, Specific, Solution-Oriented Feedback: Vague feedback like "You need to do better" can be confusing, leaving teens feeling lost and unsure of how to improve. Instead, focus on being specific with what can be improved and provide a roadmap for change. For example, if your teen hasn't cleaned their room, try saying, "I noticed your room is getting cluttered. Let's start by picking up the clothes and making the bed. It’ll make the space feel more organized." Or, if they forgot to do the dishes, you might say, "I know it’s been a busy day and you’re probably tired. I need you to finish washing the dishes tonight. It helps keep the kitchen clean for everyone.”
• Create a Safe Space for Communication: Teens need to know they can talk to their caregivers without fear of harsh criticism and judgment. Relationships built on trust, love, and acceptance can help foster a greater sense of self-worth and increased self-confidence for your teen. For more strategies on how to effectively communicate with your teen, check out our course, Making AdoleSense, where we have an entire module dedicated to this important topic! 

Final Thoughts

Parents have the ability to positively impact their teen’s self-esteem through the use of supportive and clear communication. By creating an environment that offers space for non-judgemental and constructive feedback, you can help your teen develop a strong sense of self-worth. And don’t forget the power your words hold in influencing how your teen views themself - when you demonstrate self-love, they learn how to love themselves too.  

References and Sources

• American Psychological Association. (2021). The Influence of Self-Esteem on Adolescent Development.
• Friedman, R., et al. (2019). The Effects of Negative Feedback on Adolescent Self-Esteem. Journal of Adolescence.
• Sheeber, L. B., et al. (2013). Parent-Teen Conflict and Adolescent Emotional Health. Journal of Youth and Adolescence.
• Seligman, M. E. P., et al. (2011). Positive Psychology and the Impact on Adolescent Development. Journal of Early Adolescence.